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11/23/2013

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Lol.
Sorry.
I think it's already been almost a month since my last post but y'know why dwell on the past. Moving forward.
Okay just kidding we have to dwell on the past for a sec because that's the entire point of this blog. Recapping my past experiences of the last 3 months for whomever feels like reading my extremely choppy/awkwardly detailed diary entries. Which all happened in the past. So yeah, dwelling I suppose is what I'm doing to start this post off. Then we can get to the more recent stuff. Like being home (!)

But first, spoiler alert!
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Here's my mom and me Budapesting
Back to Krakow, where we left off: 
On Monday, October 28th, we had a seminar with Iveta in the morning on Emotion and Affect. We talked about the pieces we read by the neomaterialist writers, Gorton, Ahmed, and Saldanha (write about the body/body stimulations/feelings/emotion/affect).  I guess the relationship between emotion and affect is that emotions are affects that already have names.  DeLeuzians say that affects are physical, bodily responses, different from emotions, which are already organized/culturized. For example, an affect would be the physical bodily responses that happiness gives you. And happiness would be the emotion? I guess? But then they're also often used interchangeably so why did I even go through that excruciating process of attempting to explain a difference. w/e. After class, we watched a movie called Galerianki, which means something like mall girls in Polish. It was a pretty disturbing film about an apparently common trend that happened (happens?) in Poland where young girls like early teens would hang out at the mall to pick up older rich guys/men who would buy them things in exchange for sex. Really great heartwarming insight into Polish cinema! Great for the family! Just kidding it's kind of depressing be warned.
Don't remember what we did that night. It was a month ago.

Tuesday we had class at Krakow's Jewish Community Center which was really a cool place and I think really necessary especially in a place like Krakow, where the Jewish community was so greatly demolished. Edyta Gawron, a Jewish historian at the Jewish institute gave us a lecture on Ethnicity and Jewish issues in Poland. Really good class. For lunch we finally went to one of the stands that sells the open-face sandwiches that we always see people carrying around which look delicious and have a specific polish name besides open-face sandwich but I can't remember. It was a month ago.

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cute sandwich cute Val even cuter Adriane in the background
Tuesday afternoon we had an optional seminar with Iveta on DeLeuze which I went to because again, I know nothing and want to know more than nothing. This was basically just a giant flawless recap of the philosopher Gilles DeLeuze's life/ideas/collabs (Felix Guattari bff <333) by Iveta because she's SO GOOD AT RECAPPING. He seemed like a pretty cool guy. To-read-list: A Thousand Plateaus by DeLeuze and Guattari.
After that, Michelle and I made vegan chocolate chip cookies for which Hannah gave us a sweet recipe (loosely followed).. super experimental but turned out pretty delicious (honey saves all especially when the vegans in the group aren't the kind of vegans who don't eat honey - phew). We even crushed up dark chocolate bars ALL by ourselves ouch hands hurt after that one!! lol!! Then we brought them to the group meeting that night at our apartment which was kind of to prepare for Auschwitz/achieve an appropriate mindset since our visit to the site was the next day. It kind of seemed like this was the last chill day of the program because every day from then on was filled with stressful things like Auschwitz, group presentations, final individual presentations, and (ugh) goodbyes.

Wednesday, the 30th: Bethany and I went running at 8am in the rain because why not?!?!?!? Then we all got ready for the Auschwitz visit. We took a pretty big bus, like the kind we would take to volleyball tournaments - luxurious and comfy with more seats than people so I got a row to myself and slept a lot of the way. Everyone was pretty quiet on the way there. Once we got there, we waited for a while for our tour guide to come greet us, then we all got headphones and he introduced himself and the tour. He started out by saying something like "looks like we've got all ladies today, am I right?" which isn't true because heyyy gender identity is personal/sometimes can't/needn't be visually determined. This kind of situation had arisen before on this program and I've noticed how gracefully Iveta handles it. With this guy she responded with a simple, "how do you know?" Such a response might politely cue most people to shut up and move on/maybe eventually rethink their ideas of gender, but this tour guide gave a chuckle and a "well I can see!" which was annoying. He was a good guide, though, in the sense that he knew what he was talking about and was good about giving us time to be alone and take some things in, but he had something about him that irked me a little. Like he was giving us the information as if he was prompting a response from us. Like using dramatic pauses and voice intonations and something that one might hear on a history channel documentary. It was just kind of annoying because instead of being real with us and interacting with us, he talked at us and almost seemed like he didn't trust us to take these things gravely. Of course, it is important to note that this man has been giving tours for about ten years now and has probably experienced all types of groups, some of which might need some type of prompting or indication of how seriously to take this experience. So it was understandable. I just didn't think that our group needed it at all. In fact, one of the thoughts I left the camp with was how glad I was that these Antioch folks were the ones with whom I experienced that with. I was really proud of how well everyone handled the tour. If I had to visit such an awful site, I'm so glad it was with these people. We had a guided walking tour through Auschwitz and Birkenau, which was an eerie and uncomfortable experience like walking the same grounds that millions of people walked just before being murdered not even 70 years ago. We walked through some of the buildings and then ended Auschwitz at the gas chambers before heading to Birkenau. It was pretty emotional for me, but I also had to keep in mind that while this was a personal experience for me, the visit's purpose was to remember the victims. What was pretty rough for me was that here I was walking into this gas chamber where a multitude of people walked before, but I was 1. walking in on my own will, not by order of the Nazi soldiers, and 2. able to walk out of it, which was not a possibility for those who walked in there 70 years ago. Like I proceeded to the crematorium and out into the sun. That didn't happen for those people. And then here I am getting all worked up about it just by the memories but I also acknowledge that I have to ability to go back to those memories, whereas most of the people who were forced to experience Auschwitz and Birkenau can't access those memories because they were killed. As awful as it is for me to revisit that place in my head, it's kind of a privilege for me to be able to do so. So so so horrible. The Birkenau site was also strange because there was a highway that ran right along the outside of the fence. Like people drove by these horrible death camps regularly. It was normal and accepted by many people. There were also a few houses around, although I don't know if there were that many houses 70 years ago. Our tour guide mentioned that some people did escape the camps, but the only ones that had a chance of actually making a successful escape were the Polish prisoners because they had a better idea of the landscape and might have known where to find a house nearby to hide in. At the end of the tour, we walked all the way down to the end of the Birkenau site where they had a really beautiful memorial, where we all kind of just walked around on our own for a bit. Really emotionally exhausting day, but I'm glad I got the opportunity to visit such a powerful and influential location to history.

Thursday we had a lecture at the Institute for AudioVisual Arts, Krakow's art school I suppose, by Professor Malgorzata Radkiewicz about Women and Gender in Contemporary Polish Cinema. We ran out of time with her lecture but she was so cool and was really impressed by our class discussion and wanted her Polish students to join in on a discussion with us. I think that would have been awesome. She also reminded me so much of my aunt Christy.
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well maybe not. She did at the time idk
She was delightful and she talked about/showed clips of a bunch of films that seem pretty gewd and that I wrote down and can give you yes YOU the names of in a hot second if you want. Thursday night we had a little halloween fam dinner with quinoa and wine and candy and then I worked for all hours of the night on my presentation.

Friday, November 1st, we had class from 10 to 5pm because we had our group presentations on different situated feminisms topics. My group was Allie, Kalena, Kate, and me and our topic was Reproductive Rights so we each talked about the status of reproductive rights in each of the 4 countries we visited. I did the Netherlands and totally blew it out of the water (not really but I just wanted to say that because one of the things I talked about was Women on Waves so I thought a pun would be cool). Everyone had wonderful and insightful presentations THEY'RE ALL JUST SO SMART. We used my computer for the projector because I was the only with a PC who brought it to class that day so everyone got to see my cute Ben Folds desktop background in between powerpoints.
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<3
After class I napped. Then we all went to a huuuuuge cemetery with Iveta for All Saints/Souls Day which is a big deal in Poland I guess because it's so Christian but OMG it was one of the prettiest things I've ever seen. All of the graves were above ground and practically beautiful works of art in themselves they were like intricate statues allllll right up next to each other so it was just a crowded mess of stone beauty with a few paths here and there for people to walk through. There were a lot of people walking around but it was all so quiet and reverent it was awesome. I walked off on my own for a bit and there weren't as many people near the outskirts of the graveyard. So peaceful and serene and awesome and amazing like I'm amazed at these people and their dedication to beautiful burial sites. I guess one of the things for All Saints/Souls Day is they put little candles on all of the graves, so when we were there it was pitch black except for the pool of colorful flames everywhere you looked.
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yeah there's no way I could have captured it in pics sorry guys you'll just have to believe me OR visit and see for yourself I suggest the latter
Afterward, I think a few of us went for a few drinks at a bar but I don't really remember. It was a month ago. 

Saturday, I think I just stayed home and worked on my presentation the whole day and then Saturday night we had our Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeeen party at our apartment! Errbody came over dressed up and we had dranks and treats. I made apple cider with Sharon's recipe and it was all super delicious. Hannah and I had a pair costume of the girls from Daisies, the film we watched in Prague about the sisters who eat a bunch of old guys' food:
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We're really happy
All of my newspaper fell off pretty much immediately and Hannah almost passed out but we got a good pic! Then Sharon and I fell asleep watching Moonrise Kingdom <33333333

Sunday I didn't leave the house all day because I presented Monday and still had so much work to do for my presentation.

Monday, the 4th, I had a Skype interview with one of the lecturers from Prague, Iva Smidova, at 8am. Really great chat with her. Then we had class from 10 to 5 again for the presentations. Again, everyone did really really well and I'm so impressed. I went last and was an absolute joke. I mean the presentation went fine but I was basically narrating my struggles of feminism to everyone, which I think everyone could relate to so they were all laughing about it and I was also just presenting myself as a hopeless feminist so it was a tad comical I guess. You can have a gander if you'd like.
cwgse_-_final_research_presentation.pptx
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Initially, coming into this program, I think I subconsciously shared the viewpoint that feminists are over-dramatic and simply think that all men are bad and women are better and that “gender equality” to feminists meant women greater than men– maybe why I wanted to research this to begin with – because I sort of thought that maybe there was a better way of seeing society that didn’t involve totally opposing all men or protesting everything that didn’t totally comply with one’s lifestyle. I don’t think I completely considered myself a feminist before this trip, even though I definitely agreed with some things that feminism preaches and I would be vocal about those things, but when the identity of “feminist” came up, I would sort of laugh or feel like feminists aren’t taken seriously so I didn’t want to totally identify as one. I don’t know, I was flaky.

BUT these wgse folks won me over. I now think I do identify as a feminist because I think I have a fuller understanding of what a feminist is and what feminism yearns for. Before, I think I was simply undereducated or ignorant to what feminism really encompasses, which is a lot and which is interdisciplinary and which is all positive for everyone.

In the midst of my research, I think I kind of changed my standpoint on the subject to be one of wanting to change the way feminism is viewed in society. In hearing feedback and analyzing observations, I came to see the problem as one of misunderstanding by the general public of what feminism actually involves, so I thought the best solution was to try to change these negative associations by better educating people (maybe if everyone took WGS courses, they’d understand and everyone would be a feminist and the world would be a better place) (also totally using myself as an example here). The problem then becomes getting people to be willing to learn about feminism – why would I learn about feminism when I think feminists are annoying and unnecessary and impractical – so since people don’t want to learn about it, they don’t realize how great it is for them and everyone else and then they still think feminism is stupid because they haven’t learned about it and then they don’t want to learn about it because they think it’s stupid and IT’S ALL A VICIOUS CYCLE.

So then I was like what if we changed the name from feminism or women’s and gender studies to something that won’t scare people away from it like freya suggested critical thinking or something. I don’t know I haven’t really gotten that far yet. But still like something that doesn’t sound so confined because really feminism is about way more than just women – gender is connected to so many other things like race and class etc.

BUT perhaps that would be totally counterproductive because it might then erase the importance of women in the history of feminism and such movements/studies which would then maybe play back into that patriarchal forgetting-of-women that was the very problem to begin with.

But I also see a problem with imposing feminist studies on people because that’s super patronizing in itself which is a major contradiction to the goal of feminism like who am I to decide what people should and shouldn’t study?

 So I guess where I am right now is that idk.

^^basically my presentation. I'm smart!!!!

I don't remember what I did Monday night. It was a month ago. I think I was just really happy to be done with all of my work for the program.

Tuesday was our last day of the program. So. Weird. The rest of the people presented and we filled out evaluations and left our final European classroom. Again. So. Weird. 
Tuesday night everyone came over to our apartment for pizza and wine and beer and candy and games all provided by Iveta. We gave Lauren and Iveta some handmade Polish soap that an adorably sweet woman next to our apartment sells and some candy and a card and we all sat around and chatted and played never have I ever and fishbowl (which I had never played but whoa so fun/funny). Then everyone left and I cried and hugged and cried a lot and everyone was just loving each other and I love everyone and I'm so immensely grateful I got to meet all of these people because holy moly have they all impacted my life super positively and in a way that I don't think anyone else could. They're just all such good people and I always felt like I was in a good space and those types of conversations aren't gonna happen again because it's not likely that we'll all be together at the same time so I'm kinda really depressed about it but also really happy that I know them. And Europe was cool too I guess ya sure (really frickin beautiful and exciting).

Wednesday was departure day. Sharon and Michelle and I took a seven hour bus to Budapest and my suitcase was practically just a houndstooth box that I dragged along the ground because it's so broken in every way besides the zipper pretty much. I stayed in a hostel for 3 nights and hung out with Michelle and Sharon which was so so fun and I'm so happy I got to travel with those two because I think we made great travel buddies. And then the moment we've all been waiting for happened:
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GRAMS SHOWED UP!!!!!!!!! in an elevator full of luggage! followed by a bunch of other wonderful women!!!!
Mom, Grandma, Aunt Kate, Aunt Julie, Aunt Christy, and Aunt Christy's friend Diane came to Budapest to frolic through Europe with me! We stayed in a beautiful apartment in Budapest and did a bunch of touristy stuff for 3 days, then drove in a giant van (Little Miss Sunshine style) to Prague with a pitstop in Vienna! Then stayed at Marketa and Slavek's again (a few mishaps but great stories right? right) and then drove to Berlin and stayed a night with Stefan and Kumiko who I had never met but Stefan looks like Ben Folds and they're both wonderful people/incredible hosts and then we flew home at like 6am. See my facebook album for more pictures/sort of a narration of the post program trip with the old ladies, I just don't feel like typing anymore. 
Overall, I am so so so happy. This has been an amazing experience and I would not have changed anything about it. I got to visit like 7 different countries and experience an unquantifiable amount of indescribable/unique opportunities which both opened my mind and expanded my perspective. I can't wait to take everything I've learned (k idk about that I've learned a lot.. most of what I've learned) and use/express it in my life back here in the states. I also can't wait to go back because really I have to. Thanks to all who helped me out with the program, and to all who kept me sane along the way.  So so happy to be home in my cozy bed someone come hangout with me. 
Love you all forever 


xx
Eileen



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